Clouds

 I’ve been in a faith crisis.

As I was driving yesterday, I saw a tiny cloud. Like super tiny. It reminded me of the cloud the size of a man’s hand in the story of Elijah. 

I spoke out loud to God for the first time in what feels like forever…. 

“In the Bible, you showed yourself in the form of a cloud like that. You sent the rain. God, I need the rain. I need to feel you. I need to see you.”

I could feel the desperation. I was tearing up and nearly started sobbing when that cloud literally disappeared before my eyes. It was gone. Now I know the scientific reasoning. But to my broken-hearted self, that cloud disappearing felt like it took all my hope with it. 

“If you’re real… if you care about me at all… I need to see you! I need you to speak in this moment before I give up!”

In that moment, I needed a visible sign. Something to hold on to. To let me know that I’m not alone.

In my head, I expected a gathering of fluffy white clouds to provide a visual sign for me. 

And there was nothing but clear blue skies.  

So a sob in my throat, I turned my attention to the song playing on Spotify- Gratitude. “Oh come on my soul, don’t you get shy on me. Lift up your song, cuz you’ve got a look inside of you.”

And I reached to turn it off.

But in desperation, I looked to the sky once more just as there was a clearing of trees.

Clouds. Dozens of beautiful, tiny fluffy clouds dotted the horizon.

And in that moment. I felt as clearly as if the words were spoken to me.

“I’ve always been here. You just couldn’t see l because you were focused on the wrong thing. You couldn’t see past your immediate circumstances and your expectations for how I should move. So you missed the fact that I was moving in ways you didn’t expect.”

Now. I could chalk it all up to coincidence. I could seek out the logical explanation here as a way to convince myself otherwise- I asked for a pretty clear sign and it wasn’t precisely “right.” But the truth is, I could have done that either way. And sometimes the choice to believe is just that-a choice.  Either way, I’m putting my faith in something. 

And right now? I’m putting my faith in Christ.

Clearly, you are a God who works behind the scenes, God of Israel, Savior God.-Isaiah 45:15 MSG

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." -John 13:7 NIV

Fear Doesn’t Stand A Chance

Last night just after midnight, one of my children was coughing. Because of the spread of COVID-19, I had a full blown panic attack. It took over an hour of scripture reading and prayer for me to calm down. I was completely overcome by fear and anxiety.

For a good portion of the time, I couldn’t even find the words to pray, so I repeated 2 Timothy 1:7-God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind-over and over and then added “perfect love casts out all fear” until I could breathe. When I opened my Bible app, the scripture was about plagues. Fantastic.

Here’s what brought me peace:

First and foremost, my family is covered by the blood of the Lamb. Just like the Hebrew people who spread lamb’s blood on the door frame to be protected from the plagues in Egypt. That means that we have given control of our lives to the risen Savior and nothing comes to us without first passing through Him. But, we can do everything right and still be infected. That much is out of our control, but within His and in the end, “All things work together for the good of those who are called.”

Second, ‘God has not given us a Spirit of fear but of power, and of love,and of a sound mind.” The Bible is clear that fear does not come from above. In fact, according to 1 John 4:18, we know that fear involves torment and is therefore a tool of Satan. Not only does fear not come from God, but His word specifically provides the tools to combat fear.

Power: now on our own, we have no power. That’s why this whole situation is so scary, right? It’s completely out of our control. Our way of life and our routines have completely been upended overnight. Things we have taken for granted (like food and even toilet paper) are no longer readily available. There’s always been an uncertain future, but an uncertain present is completely new and mind-boggling. But though we have no power, we serve an omnipotent God: “Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all.” 1 Chronicles 29:11

So the first step to overcoming fear is to acknowledge who is in control. But it doesn’t stop there, because in Acts 1:8, we learn that we also receive power through the Holy Spirit. And our power is in our testimony.

Love: we know that God loves us so much that He sent His son to die for us (John 3:16). Love is so important that it’s the basis of all commandments and the greatest of all virtues is Love. In fact, God is Love. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

But what exactly is Love? “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:4-7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So through God’s love, we love. We love our neighbors and our God. We speak kindness and hope.

Sound Mind/Self-Control: the legal definition of a sound mind is “the ability to think, reason, and understand for oneself.” Self-control is the “ability to control oneself” specifically referring to emotions and behavior.

That’s right. One of the tools against fear is to literally take charge of our emotions and refuse to allow it take over. But self-control doesn’t come naturally. Like children who are ruled by impulsivity, we have to learn self-control. It’s one of the fruit of the spirit, a gift from God that comes with practicing our faith and dying to the flesh. It comes through walking with and being led by the Holy Spirit. Self-control goes hand and hand with the other fruit of the spirit: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22-23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

So no matter what happens, we know that we are overcomes. We can defeat fear and panic by clinging to His promises. By diving deep into the comforts of His Word. By being covered by the blood of the Lamb. By practicing power, love, and self-control. By remembering the works He has already done in our lives. By telling others what He has done. By praising Him for the things He has yet to do.

When fear hits, it can be all-consuming. It can be difficult to pull yourself out of the pit of despair. Fortunately, you don’t have to. God has given us a beautiful step by step plan to combat that fear.

Dealing with Depression

It's not something I like to talk about.

I'm pretty sure it's something no one likes to talk about.

It's painful. Raw. Vulnerable.

It's definitely not something I brag about. And in truth, not many people know it happened and of those who do, there was one who used it against me. That made it a thousand times worse. So, I resolved to keep silent....until I realized that knowledge is power.

I suffered from Postpartum Depression.

In truth, it was a hormonal imbalance/vitamin deficiency. But then again, I'm pretty sure many cases are.

I scared my husband during that time, but mostly I scared myself. I pride myself in always being in control of the one thing I can trust-my mind. But during this time, I had NO idea of how to control my thoughts and emotions.

I was completely out of control of my emotions. If I got upset, I would bottom out and on more than one occasion, totally freak out. I would often have panic attacks over the slightest thing. I couldn't trust my own mind, no matter that I KNEW that I was acting irrationally, I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't just cry, I would be lost in sobbing convulsions. I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. I was completely overwhelmed with life in general and I didn't know what to do about it.

My case wasn't one of those severe cases where the mom harms her baby. I never had a desire to harm him. Not once. But there were days that I didn't want to exist anymore. Days that I just knew that everyone would be better off without me. Days that I was just tired of hurting. Tired of being.

My husband begged me to talk to my doctor. She immediately took me off the birth control I was taking and put me on a high dosage of B6 and B12. There was an immense improvement after that, I was able to function. But it was still there, simmering under the surface. Waiting for a moment of weakness or a catalyst to set it off. It took months-nearly a year-for me to recover-but the effects of it lasted much longer than that.

I think the major lesson I learned through it all is that suffering from an illness like this is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to blame myself for. It wasn't my fault. I also learned that there's no substitute for talking about it and having an amazing support system.

I think God every day for bringing me out of that dark place. And I hope that maybe one day, my suffering in this season of my life and the lessons I learned will be of use to someone else.

quickening

the first time, it's like a butterfly's wing
soft, gentle, easy to mistake
so brief and so rare that it's easy to dismiss
as something else
something not as beautiful

then it happens again and i'm almost sure
but then i wait
and wait
and wait
and feel nothing

it's so slight and unsure and so rare 
that i allow worry
and doubt
and fear
to creep in

then one night-so late it's early-
when i lie as still as can be
and wait
begging to feel it again
then there you are

no longer easy to mistake
no longer cool and gentle
it feels powerful and warm
and distinctly like life
you are real, you are there, you are mine

suddenly i know that everything
will
be
just
fine

love?

What is love?

Is it a feeling?

An emotion?

Passion?

Attachment?

Affection?

Is it even something that can be defined?

I'm not sure I can describe love, I mean I use the word every day. I say "I love you" on a regular basis. I love my parents. I love my siblings. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my Jesus.

But the love I "feel" for the people in my life is as different as the relationships I have with them.

I admire my mom and I'm grateful for the influence she has on my life and the example she has set for me as a Godly woman. I enjoy spending time with her and learning from her.

My little sister is my best friend (other than my husband.) I feel a fierce protectiveness over her. There's a comfortableness between us that can't be replicated. We read each other so well, sometimes we don't even have to speak.

The passion I have for my husband is unlike anything I ever anticipated. After nearly 2 years of marriage, I still get butterflies when he looks at me a certain way. I feel protected by him, safe and taken care of. I have never felt so secure in a relationship in my life. He is truly my other half.

I was totally unprepared for the emotions that flooded my being the first time I held my oldest...and then the next three. I would do anything for them. I can't imagine my life without them. He is a part of me and I have such joy every time I see them smile and my heart breaks in two when I hear them cry. They each have a hold on my very being.

I'm grateful to my Savior. He's loved me longer and better than I've ever loved him. Without Him, I am nothing.

My prayer is that I learn to operate in perfect love in every way, because without love, I am nothing.

So, what is love?

I don't know if I will ever have an answer, but it becomes more complete every day. Until then, this is what I know:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13 4-8a 

Heavenly Father,

Teach me to love with your love. Show me how to be the wife and mother I am called to be. Use me to love the unlovable and love those who have done me wrong. Let Your love shine through me.

discovering my joy

My original blog was called Out of the Fishbowl.

It was about discovering myself outside of being a preacher's kid.

The problem is that I've been out of the Fishbowl for years now, and it's time to move on. It's time to live. It's time to let the past rest. It's time to Simplify my Joy.

Blurred Vision

For over half my life I have worn glasses or contacts. My eyesight is so bad that I’m not even eligible for Lasik surgery. I used to say that all I wanted to do was “See my alarm clock when I wake up in the morning!!” Recently, something happened to my glasses and the right lens is so smudged/scratched that I can’t see clearly out of it, no matter how much I try to clean it. It’s nearly impossible to ignore.
Notice that I said NEARLY.
A very wise woman has often told me that “A person’s perception becomes their reality.” It occurs to me that at times we can become so used to ‘seeing’ sin that the line between right and wrong becomes blurred. We become so politically correct that we are afraid to stand up and call sin out. I don’t want to become so calloused and used to sin that it becomes commonplace in my life. When I excuse the behavior of others, the chance of me following the same behaviors increases. I need my “God-glasses” for me to see the world as it really is.
On the other hand, it would be easy for me to take my “God-glasses” and smudge them with my holier than thou attitude. With this attitude, it is easy to condemn others for their circumstances, without ever trying to help-in essence, ignoring the beggar outside of the gate-all the while excusing my own behavior because I’m above reproach in my “God-glasses.”
Lord, help me to see things from the right perspective and believe only those things which abide in Your Truth. Correct my vision, but keep me from smudging my world view. Open my eyes to the need and hurt in the world and help me stand strong in the face of sin and deceit.
Unblur my vision. <><