Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Dealing with Depression

It's not something I like to talk about.

I'm pretty sure it's something no one likes to talk about.

It's painful. Raw. Vulnerable.

It's definitely not something I brag about. And in truth, not many people know it happened and of those who do, there was one who used it against me. That made it a thousand times worse. So, I resolved to keep silent....until I realized that knowledge is power.

I suffered from Postpartum Depression.

In truth, it was a hormonal imbalance/vitamin deficiency. But then again, I'm pretty sure most cases are.

I scared Jason during that time, but mostly I scared myself. I pride myself in always being in control of the one thing I can trust-my mind. But during this time, I had NO idea of how to control my thoughts and emotions.

I was completely out of control of my emotions. If I got upset, I would bottom out and on more than one occasion, totally freak out. I would often have panic attacks over the slightest thing. I couldn't trust my own mind, no matter that I KNEW that I was acting irrationally, I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't just cry, I would be lost in sobbing convulsions. I felt like a failure as a mom and a wife. I was completely overwhelmed with life in general and I didn't know what to do about it.

My case wasn't one of those severe cases where the mom harms her baby. I never had a desire to harm him. Not once. But there were days that I didn't want to exist anymore. Days that I just knew that everyone would be better off without me. Days that I was just tired of hurting. Tired of being.

Jason begged me to talk to my doctor. She immediately took me off the birth control I was taking and put me on a high dosage of B6 and B12. There was an immense improvement after that, I was able to function. But it was still there, simmering under the surface. Waiting for a moment of weakness or a catalyst to set it off. It took months-nearly a year-for me to recover-but the effects of it lasted much longer than that.

I think the major lesson I learned through it all is that suffering from an illness like this is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to blame myself for. It wasn't my fault. I also learned that there's no substitute for talking about it and having an amazing support system.

I think God every day for bringing me out of that dark place. And I hope that maybe one day, my suffering in this season of my life and the lessons I learned will be of use to someone else.

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